It’s hard but I’ll get by…

Published October 27, 2010 by dapithapon

It’s hard to be left alone in a limbo. It’s like gasping for air just to breathe. I feel so claustrophobic. I tried to hold on to something or to someone whom I thought would save me from depression or melancholia. I held on to it tightly, until my hands felt numb and my palms turned colorless. But, alas, fate has other plans for me.

I never thought that it will be a quick journey for both of us. I know that it’s inevitable.  I have already anticipated this from the start. However, it still came on so quickly that I wasn’t really that prepared when it happened.

It was like I was tossed in a moshpit and had no idea if people around me would eventually drop me dead or simply hold on to me until their arms and hands grow tired from holding on and put me down safely.

When I allowed him to become part of my life, I thought he has saved me from a seemingly endless sadness. Indeed, i was saved…but, only for a moment. Suddenly, I found out the hard way that he’s another phase of sadness that I had to go through. Aw shucks. Talk about my luck.

Anyway, his presence is not really new to me. For eight months, he persistently pursued me. Then, one day, someone broke my heart. I never cried over that broken heart but I know that I was hurting then and I think that was one of the worst and saddest days of my life.

And so he unknowingly rescued me from self-destruction. It was the time when I was floating on a sad state where no one can really penetrate my inner feelings but nonetheless can read the sadness in my eyes. I refused to accept help from anyone. I have close friends with whom I shared my thoughts and feelings but I knew that they can only comfort me for a moment. I need to recuperate on my own. I had to. I woke up the next day and the lonely monster came back to haunt me, to consume me.  My friends are not always there to rescue and comfort me, and so, I had to deal with those monsters alone.

He knocked repeatedly on my imaginary door. I decided to open that door after thinking about it for a thousand times. When he entered, it was a damn blissful breeze. I thought, sadness is over, happiness is here. But, too bad. It ended abruptly.

Well… uhmm… the truth is, it has not ended yet. But, I can feel the end. It’s fast approaching. I cannot stop it. Oh Lord, I don’t want this to end so soon.

Oh well, I’m just ranting. I cannot really stop this from happening.



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